


Letters to Nicole

by smellbig



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Epistolary, F/F, Fluff, Letters, like i stg, theyre so domestic im crying, this shit is so gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-06-30 07:52:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15747471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smellbig/pseuds/smellbig
Summary: “What are these?” She holds up envelopes, tons of them, the corners dented, the color beginning to fade from the paper. Nicole squints, and remembers; letters.Nicole chuckles, rising from the bed. “They’re letters. To...me, my future self.”-Or, Waverly finds a box of letters Nicole wrote to herself growing up and these gay ass hoes read them together.





	1. wake up early to black and white reruns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waverly knows that handwriting, Nicole’s from when she was young and impatient and raced to start a sentence before finishing the one before it. It’s not how like she is now, slow and languid and attentive. “It’s cute,” she hums.
> 
> -
> 
> Chapter title comes from "All I Wanted" by Paramore. Enjoy :)

“Nicole?”

She blinks her eyes open slowly, smiling, still coming down from some faraway high. 

Waverly’s lying on her side next to the closet. It’s like a Renaissance painting; her, all of _her_ , those supple curves and jagged edges flashing in the moonlight that’s fallen on her naked body. Nicole breathes in deep. The angel - her angel, on Earth - calls her name with such care. Every syllable a world of its own. Her brown eyes peer over those sunkissed shoulders, waiting for a response, and Nicole lets go of the air she forgot she was holding, steadying on the bed. “Yeah, baby?”

“What are these?” She holds up envelopes, tons of them, the corners dented, the color beginning to fade from the paper. Nicole squints, and remembers; _letters_.

Nicole chuckles, rising from the bed. “They’re letters. To...me, my future self.”

“Oh,” Waverly murmurs, turning over one in her hand. On the envelope it says in big sprawling letters “8th Grade.” Waverly knows that handwriting, Nicole’s from when she was young and impatient and raced to start a sentence before finishing the one before it. It’s not how like she is now, slow and languid and attentive. “It’s cute,” she hums as Nicole’s body curves above hers, grabbing at the box full of envelopes.

“I haven’t thought about these in years, I swear.” Nicole leaves through them, reading each envelope in her head. _8th Grade, 9th, 10th, junior year, 12th grade!!, college year 1, college 2, College 3, Senior year at uni._

“Have you read any of them?” Waverly asks. Nicole shakes her head. “What are you waiting for?”

“Well, I was...I was waiting to open them until I was... _happy_.”

Nicole looks at the woman below her, their eyes catching in the silence. She doesn’t have to say it, Waverly knows - she’s always been quite skilled at reading Nicole, those brown eyes and pink lips just can’t lie. Nicole hears her mind whisper to itself, _you’re happy now_.

Waverly leans closer to her, their hips touching. Her voice is softer now, inquisitive. “Why’d you write them?”

She shrugs. “I-I don’t know. I never had a reason to do it, really. I just thought…” she quiets, and looks at Waverly, “It’s weird, right?”

“Nic,” she chides, propping herself up so that their noses touch. “It’s not weird. I love it.”

Nicole leans forward, their lips touching just slightly, and Waverly giggles. She reaches up with one hand, pulling on red hair that burns like fire in the thin light. “I love you,” Nicole murmurs, dropping the envelopes, and Waverly responds by kissing harder, blazing passion inside her igniting the fire in her wife’s hair as she pulls her down.

Just as Nicole is starting to forget about why they’re on the floor in the first place, Waverly turns away, pulling the eighth grade letter out of the box. “Alright so let’s open one up, shall we?”

Nicole stares at her breathless, knowing full well that Waverly knows what she’s doing. “You’re so…”

“Interested in reading these letters?” she hums, looking over her shoulder again. “Yes, yes I am.”

She’s smiling hard and her eyes scrunch up her face playfully but Nicole can’t resist, taking the envelope from her wife’s hand and ripping it open unceremoniously, she begins to read.

-

_April 17th, 2005_

_Dear Nicole,_

_Hey there. Do you remember me?_

_I’m writing this now at age 14. I just got back from the eighth grade dance. It was okay, but weird, because all of the girls were dancing with boys but I...didn’t want to._ We _didn’t want too, I guess is more like it. Though I feel more like I’m talking to a “you” instead of an “us”._

 _Anyway. I’m writing this letter because I think that you might appreciate hearing from your eighth grade self sometime in the future. Right now, I’m lonely. I’m lonely in a way I can’t explain. There’s something inside of me that I can’t quite explain right now, but it’s different; it’s making me_ feel _different._

_Sometimes I’m with my friends but I feel like I have none. Like, I feel like there’s this darkness inside of me, clawing at my heart and playing tricks on my mind. I know I have friends, but sometimes it’s hard to understand them. They talk about stuff...I just feel different. I can’t explain it._

_I know, I know. Middle school sucks. But it’s hard right now to think there might ever be a time in my life where I don’t feel like this. I’m trying to get better, I am really. I talk to those who will listen but right now I think you’re the only one who will understand what it feels like to be…_ me.

_I don’t really have much else to say. But that’s okay. You probably don’t care anyway._

_Nicole._

-

“My god,” Waverly murmurs. “That’s so sad.”

Nicole’s eyes flicker across the paper again. “I...I don’t remember this, honestly.” Her smile long gone, Waverly rubs her palm across the long thigh next to her. “It’s before I came out, or even knew I was gay. I was so…”

“So not _you_ ,” Waverly responds, her thumb rubbing circles on Nicole’s hip. “When I think of you I think of pride and loyalty, fearlessness and the softness that balances that.” She pauses for a moment, chewing on the inside of her lip thoughtfully, and Nicole knows better than to interrupt. “You would make a great lion. Loyal and a fearless leader, to a fault.”

She says it sweetly, but there’s a hint of teasing behind her words, and Nicole’s eyes twinkle as she sets the looseleaf paper down next to her. “I can be a lion if you want,” she challenges, pushing Waverly down onto the carpet with just enough force to make her tease back in response, her brown hair falling like a halo behind her.

“Oh yeah?”

Nicole climbs over the smaller woman on all fours, the room suddenly growing thick again as they stare each other down.

“Oh yeah.” She leans in, deepening the kiss quickly, as her hands explore every inch of a body she knows quite well. The moon moves behind a cloud, darkening the room. In the darkness Nicole murmurs, “Roar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired by the book "The Letter Q," by David Levithan, Jasika Nicole, Amy Bloom, and many others to write this. I imagine that Nicole was a very confused teenager, until she...wasn't. But, we'll get there. :) 
> 
> If you enjoyed, let me know :) You can find me on twitter @lgbtqsyd or tumblr @ smellbig (although I'm not very active on tumblr anymore). Another chapter should be up in a few days.


	2. as I write this letter, send my love to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doing the dance of life with Nicole was slow, and sweet, like wading through honey, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.
> 
> -
> 
> Nicole and Waverly read the second letter :)

“You should write one back.” 

Nicole blinks at the unexpected break in silence. “Huh?”

Waverly smiles at her, brushing a locke of fire away from her star-filled eyes. “You should write one back to her. You, a letter, I mean.”

Nicole still looks confused, and Waverly shakes her head. “I think you should write a letter back to your former self, is what I’m trying to say.”

“I don’t know…”

“No, I think it would be good. For you, I mean. To get some closure on that period in your life. You know, like, tell your younger self that it’s all gonna be okay.”

“That would be-” she stops, yawning, reconsidering, “yeah, Waves, that would be nice, I think.”

Waverly smiles, kissing furrowed brows in the darkness. “In the morning. Write it then.”

“It is the morning,” Nicole mumbles back, turning so she’s being spooned by the smaller woman. 

Waverly huffs. “Two a.m. doesn’t count.”

-

_ September 15th, 2028 _

_ To eighth grade Nicole - _

_ It will get better. _

_ Nicole. _

-

“That’s all you got?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know, I think it’s a good start, you know? Like, don’t spring on the 14 year old who barely knows what the word ‘gay’ means that she’s a lesbian. It’s a lot for her.”

Waverly lifts her eyebrows, smiling down at Nicole. “Don’t you, like, figure it out soon though?”

Nicole recites quickly, “Tenth grade to myself, eleventh grade to friends, senior year to family.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying, we’ve yet to read the ninth grade letter. I’m thinking it might get worse.” Waverly rolls her eyes. “What?”

“You were such a drama queen in high school.” 

“Drama queen? Maybe. Confused as hell? Yes.”

“C’mon, let’s read another letter.” Waverly pulls the one labeled ‘9th’ from the pile of letters laying on the table in front of them and begins to read.

-

_ March 9th, 2006 _

_T_ o _future Nicole,_

_ I’m writing another one of these because I think it’s kind of a cool idea. To just see, like, where I’ve come from, you know?  _

_ Right now I’m in biology class, bored out of my mind because Mr. C teaches so slow. I just want this weekend to come around already. Anna and I are going to the movies to see something, I don’t remember what. Her parents are dropping us off and then we’re gonna go get ice cream afterwards. I’m so excited! Anna is so sweet and awesome and funny. I wish I had hair like hers, soft and perfect without brushing it. I just hope she doesn’t talk about her boyfriend too much. I don’t like him. _

_ I don’t remember what I wrote about last time but I don’t think I asked about what’s going on in your life so let’s try that. How are you? How old are you? What are you doing? Where are you living? Are you a cop like I think I want to be when I grow up right now? Are you married? What’s his name? Are you happy? _

_ Of course you’re happy. I told you not to open these until you are. I guess it will be kinda sad if you never open this. Though I guess you wouldn’t ever know that I was writing this if you never got happy enough to open this letter...I think you get the point. Existential crisis incoming. _

_ Well I hope you’re doing well. I have to go now, class is almost over and Mr. C is talking about homework. Plus, Anna’s tapping her knee against mine so something must be up. _

_ Bye. Talk later, _

_ Nicole H. _

_ - _

Nicole sets the paper down, laughing. “Oh my god I cannot believe I forgot about Anna!” 

Waverly fake pouts. “Anna,” she teases, letting the word fall clumsily from her mouth. 

“Yeah, Anna,” Nicole answers, “my first totally-a-crush-but-I’ll-never-admit-it, Anna.”

“Yeah, you were in deep here, babe.” She picks up the letter from the table, and begins to mock, “oh, Anna is touching my knee, oh, we’re going to the movies, oh - hey!”

“Listen, no making fun of baby me,” Nicole responds, snatching the letter from her wife. 

Waverly leans across the table to peck her cheek. “I’m not making fun of her, or of you. It’s cute.” She rises and stands behind the redhead. “You liked her and didn’t even know it.”

“I don’t know, like looking back, I think I  _ did  _ know, even then, before I said it in the mirror. I…” she trails off, and Waverly finds her hand combing fiery curls, still wet from their shower a hour ago. Nicole sighs. “I was just waiting for someone to tell me that I was enough, that they would love me. Like, no matter what.”

Waverly looks down at her wedding band and realized Nicole was looking at hers, too. They had both agreed on something simple - silver bands with each other’s birthstones and initials. Nicole wore Waverly’s sapphire and Waverly wore garnet. She always liked the deep red, which flashed in certain light and glowed faintly, a rich scarlet like the hair of the woman who it represented. She thumbed the ring slowly, and then lowered herself down, kneeling next to Nicole and turning her face so their eyes met. 

“You are amazing,” Waverly began, watching soft cheeks turn pink, “so, so amazing, Nicole. I wish you could have seen it, back then. I wish you could see how wonderful you are.”

They kissed, soft, innocent, chaste in a way that conveyed so much more than a hurried kiss. There it was again, Waverly thought, that slow poeticness about her wife that made her so desirable. The intention behind each action that told Waverly she meant it, truly. Doing the dance of life with Nicole was slow, and sweet, like wading through honey, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Nicole broke off from the kiss and stood to take care of the dishes, which Waverly hated doing. And that, they thought, was more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the positive comments on the last chapter :) I kinda fell into this on accident and honestly I'm just running with it lmao. Let me know what you think! Next chapter coming soon


	3. everybody's trying to be my baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No matter what dimension we're in, you and I are meant to be together."

_September 17th, 2028_  

_ Dear 9th grade Nicole -  _

_ You are so, so loved.  _

_ All day, you try to hide that sadness inside of yourself. You try to hide the darkness you felt all last year in eighth grade. It’s hard, I know, so stop. Stop trying to hide your feelings and actually talk to someone. Anna is your best friend, so talk to her. You’re a sponge for everyone else’s feelings, so where do you release the feelings you have all welled up? _

_Maybe sometime soon you’ll look in the mirror and finally admit something to yourself you had repressed for years. But that’ll happen next year. Right now, just cherish the moments you have with your best friends, your easy classes, and your family who loves you. And every once in a while, tell someone how you’re feeling._  

_ You’ll thank me later. _

_ Nicole _

-

“I like that. It’s sweet.”

Nicole grins. “Yeah. I would have needed someone to tell me this kind of stuff back then, so…yeah.”

Waverly poked her shoulder. “I think a lot of kids could have used that. Like, gay kids who are confused.”

“What we really need is someone telling us they love us, on TV. That's it's okay to be... _different_.”

“You have the right idea though. Without meeting you, I never would have…”

Nicole kissed the top of her head. “I know, baby.” Waverly nuzzled into her wife's shoulder. She moved away after a moment.

“Okay. Let's read another one.”

-

_ May 18th, 2007 _

_ Dear future Nicole, _

_ I think I'm ready. To, like, say it. Well, write it. I haven't put it into actual words yet. It seems too...official once I write it on paper so I've been waiting.  _

_ But I think I'm ready now.  _

_ Nicole, I'm gay. But you knew that already, I guess.  _

_It's like looking back on my life I knew all along, or I should have known. I remember vividly, watching 'Friends’ with mom and I knew I loved Monica for some strange reason. I wanted to be like Chandler. I get it now. The way I used to idolize my friends in elementary school...I had no idea._  

_ I'm not afraid of what this means for me now and I'm not afraid of what others will think. What I'm scared about it was this means for my future. Will I ever get married? Have kids? It seems unlikely. But before recently I've never even liked the idea of that anyway. Like, living a life with a guy next to me. It just seemed wrong.  _

_ Maybe I'm wrong about all this. I don't even know how I find another gay kid in this town. I can't ever tell anyone. Not while I'm here at least… _

_ Is it any better in the future? Please tell me it is. I'm trying so hard to figure shit out but it's like now that I know what to look for I keep seeing things I like everywhere. Trying not to fall for the straight girl is hard.  _

_ Confused but trying, _

_ Nicole _

-

When she was finished, Waverly looked up to see Nicole with tears at the corners of her eyes. “Hey,” she whispered, bringing the back of her hand to the taller woman's face, “you're okay, baby. What's on your mind?”

“It's just-” Nicole stopped, a smiling breaking through her soft sobs and shaky voice, which Waverly knew were indicative of a happy cry. “You, Waves, you're more than I could have ever wished for. I forgot…” She trailed off again, shaking her head when Waverly tried to hand her a tissue. Nicole breathed in deeply, and her voice came with renewed energy, having lost the crackling undertone. “No, I'm good, it's just that, life is so amazing with you that I just forgot how lost I used to be.”

Waverly sighed, hugging Nicole closer to her. “You're the best thing to ever happen to me, Waves,” Nicole mumbled against beautiful brown hair, grounded.

“I could say the same to you, Nic.”

“Remember when we- the trophy, remember how we went to a different universe?” Nicole had pulled back from the hug, speaking so urgently Waverly thought she might explode. She just nodded, her eyes wide as she wondered where she could possibly be going with this.

“I think that really says something. About us. That no matter what dimension we're in, you and I are meant to be together. We're soulmates, split from the same kernel, you and I.” Nicole looked down at the letter in her hands. She could feel herself rambling, but couldn't stop. “There’s that theory that says there's a trillion different universes, each with everything exactly the same except one decision was changed. Like, you drank tea this morning instead of coffee, but everything else is the same. I think that can't be true, because that would in some of those universes, I made a choice where you and I didn't ever meet, and that doesn't seem possible. It's just not possible.”

She breathed in deeply. “It's just not possible.”

Waverly took the letter from her and placed it on the nightstand. “You know you're really hot when you're talking about science-y stuff, right?”

Nicole's eyes widened. “I...no, I didn't know that.” She paused for a moment, and looked up, meeting Waverly's eyes. Something broke in her facade, and she smiled, catching just the hint of teasing in her voice. “I did retain an abnormal amount of physics knowledge from high school.” 

Kissing her softly, Waverly whispered, “Go on, then, professor. Teach me.”

They smiled into each other and met lips with teeth until the sun pulled them up by their heels and doused them in the light of morning. 

-

_ October 1st, 2028 _

_ Dear Nicole, age 24 _

_ At age 16, you kissed a girl for the first time.  _

_ On your 17th birthday, she asked you out, and you had your first girlfriend. _

_ When you were 18, you had sex with her for the first time. _

_ Later that year you left for the academy and said you would try long distance. Two weeks later she cheated on you, and for the first time in your life you dumped somebody, but you still were the one left crying. _

_ Two years later you got married to some girl you met while hiking. When things cooled off, you separated, just not legally. At the time it didn’t matter - you probably think it still doesn’t. _

_ But earlier this year, you moved to some small town in the middle of nowhere that was hiring police officers. Since you graduated top of your class, they promised to consider you for deputy sheriff when the time came. _

_ But you know all this. As you sit in that small little house off the gravel road this backward town calls “Main” Street, CJ on your lap (but not purring because that would be too affectionate), I can see you rolling your eyes at me already, waiting for me to tell you something you don’t know. So, I will. _

_ First of all, things will get better. You’re not happy right now, I know. But this town is more than just a town. It is a magical, strange haven, home to some of the most extraordinary people you will ever meet. You will make so many friends and lose some along the way, but by the time you’re my age, you won’t ever consider moving. These friends change you, but for the much better - they will encourage you to let loose, to be more spontaneous, the side of you always wanted to let fly but was always so worried about letting anyone see.  _

_ Embrace that spontaneity. It will bring you to the best thing to ever happen to you, that  _ will  _ ever happen to you. But we’ll get to that. _

_ Secondly, don’t give up on pushing Sheriff Nedley. He likes someone who challenges his views. He won’t always admit it, but he admires you, and the passion you have for police work. Keep it up; it will pay off, one day. _

_ Third, stop trying to change the past. You can’t fix it with Shae. She’s not worth it. She’s beautiful, she’s kind, she’s a great fling, but she’s not ever going to be your girlfriend. And that’s okay - really, it is. You know it, inside, that she’s not perfect for you. But someone is. So that brings me to my last point. _

_ Fourth: take a chance, and walk into that weird, 1800’s-looking bar down the road from the Sheriff’s office. You have made a lot of decisions in your life that I know you’re regretting right now, but that is one you will never, ever think twice about. _

_ With love, _

_ Nicole Haught-Earp _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for coming on this experimental journey with me. I hope I brought you some happiness from this fic, and that you enjoyed my try at epistolary writing. If you did, a kudos would be well appreciated :)


End file.
